Things That Babies And Old People Have In Common

• A Lack Of Teeth
• Poop Themselves
• Can’t Walk
• Bald
• Easy To Break
• Take In The Afternoon
• Like The Nintendo Wii
• Are Dressed By Other People
• Eat Food That Is Made For Easy Pooping

Things I Am Not Doing, Possibly Ever

• Teach Him How To Dance With You
• Give You Up
• Let You Go
• Surrender
• Let You Down
• Say Goodbye
• Love You
• Miss Your Smile
• Be There When The Morning Comes
• Pay For Your Dinner
• Tell You What You Want To Hear

Things I Should’ve Been Doing Last Night (Instead of Playing WoW)

• Sleeping
• Working on my website
• Catching up on album reviews
• Sleeping
• Booting black tar heroin (less addictive than WoW – it’s science)
• Sexing the girlfriend
• Sleeping
• Watching my brother play Majora’s Mask
• Working on radio station imaging
• FUCKING SLEEPING

Now Offering My Services As Professional Falcon Puncher

• Let Me Demonstrate First
• I Am Available For Discussion Enders
• Say You Are A Middle School Teacher And Some Kid Is Giving You Lip, I Will Show Up And Punch The Kid So Hard He Gets Knocked To Detention
• I Can Help Celebrities Too
• Start Hopping On A Couch On The Operah Show, I Will Knock You The Fuck Out To Save Your Good Name
• If You Just Want Someone Punched, Give Me Money, The Power Of The Punch Depends On The Pay
• I Do Bar Mitzvahs
• I Do Weddings
• I Do Funerals, As You Need To Be Sure They Are Dead
• I Am The Only Person Who Can Kill A Vampire With One Punch
• I Take Two For Werewolves
• I Will Also Take Some Cases For Free, Without Warning

My Pakour Inspired Game Concept

• You Don’t Stop To Fight
• You Run Past, Bounce Back
• Inertia And Speed ARE The Weapon
• No Taking Guys Down
• They Are Just Another Obstacle
• The World Fades Out Detail Based On Speed
• When Moving Slowly, Enviroments Are Detailed
• At High Speed, The World Is Made Up Of Just What Matters, To Reflect A Better Sort Of Runner Vision Than Things Turning Red
• 3rd Person, As The Game Will Involve Many Wall Jumps That Would Be Blind

My Holiday Loot

• $130
• $25 Best Buy Gift Card
• Griffin iTrip
• Ugly Shirt
• Planet Terror Collectors Edition
• My Dead Grandfather’s External Hard Drive
• Black Work Pants
• Navy Blue Sweater
• Laptop
• This Will Do For Now

All I Want For Christmas

• Expensive Booze
• Expensive Hookers
• Expensive Hotel Room
• Expensive Limo Ride To The Expensive Hotel
• All At Once
• Merry Christmas Internet

My New Names

• Chester McFisticuffs
• Captain Falcon
• Goddamn Batman
• Jack Bauer
• M C Hammer
• Irony
• Jesus
• Oh Captain My Captain
• Robocop
• Jack Mehoof
• Mike Ox
• My Penis
• Rufio
• Bad Wolf
• Fox McCloud
• Chicken Chaser
• Jester
• Yo ‘Noid
• Treasoner
• Witch King Of The Midwest
• Godzilla
• Riddick
• The Dude
• Botsmaster
• Mighty Max
• Odin
• Kratos
• Godslayer
• Captain Tripps
• Brock Sampson
• The El Diablo
• Andrew Ryan
• Ovary Puncher
• Henry Jones Jr.
• Mangod
• Obama
• Hero Of Time
• Steven Stabenstien
• Have My Money
• Lets Have Sex
• !
• Heart Eater
• Brain Stealer
• My Lord

Bands I Liked This Week

• Amberlin
• Atmosphere
• M83
• Kasabian
• Los Campesinos!
• Brand New
• Boys Night Out

Feature List In Beat It Online

• 12 Different Styles Of Dance
• Breakin’ And Boogie Woogie Properly Balanced For Serving Capability
• Special Achievement For Losing A Dance Knife Fight To Michael Jackson “More Like Jacks0wned!”
• Epic Player Versus Player Dance Offs Featuring Up To 200 Players A Side
• Whenever The Question “So You Think You Can Dance?” Comes Up, The Answer Is YEESSSS
• Non-Dance Abilities, Such As Waiting Tables, And Dish Washing, And Bar Tending… Just Like Real Dancers!