Gears Of War 2 Is Amazing

• Guns That Have Chainsaws On Them
• The Main Character Is Voiced By Bender
• You Can Shove A Grenade Up A Monster’s Ass
• A Dude Chainsaws A Tank In Half
• Shields Are Very Handy
• The Weapons Are Seemingly Balanced With Both Good And Bad Traits On Every Weapon
• There Is Still A Gun That Rains Down Laser Death From Above
• There Is Some Sort Of Plot This Time

Alternate Ways For The World To End

• Everyone Farts At The Same Time While Lighting A Lighter, The Methane Release And Subsequent Explosion Would Trigger Other Explosions Wiping Humanity From The Earth
• Pirate Uprising Occurs Causing The Seas To Be Unsafe For Travel, Then The Pirates Start Using Cars
• Robots Take Over The World Peacefully And Nonviolent And Try To Usher In A Golden Age Of Man, Man Hates Being Told What To Do And Destroys The World, Blames Skynet
• A Meteor Hits The Moon, Which Then Bounces Into Earth, Which Then Gets Knocked Into The Sun
• The Mayan Calender Was Mostly Right, It’s Just They Were off By 6 Years, 2018 Turns Out To Be a Shitty Year
• God Is Real, Catholics Were Right, Rapture Occurs, Just As Likely As Anything Else On Here
• The Sun Dies Eventually Consuming The Earth Before Possibly Becoming A Black Hole
• East vs. West Cold War Divides The World In Half With Giant Laser, World Can’t Last As 2 Halves Floating In Space
• Scientists Explode VERY Large Bombs In Earths Core, To See What Happens… SPOILER: EVERYONE DIES
• Ghostbusters Cross The Streams
• Orgone Energy Rediscovered, Giant Orgy To Power The Planet Works, Then Powerplant Explodes Due To Too Much Sex
• Elder Gods Return, Smite Life
• Ragnarok
• American Idol Introduces A Survival Of The Fittest Aspect Where Losers Are Shot, Also Everyone Is Forced To Be On American Idol, The Winner/Last Man On Earth Sings An Amazing, Yet Sad Song That No One Else Hears

Reasons I Want To Visit Paradise City

• The Grass Is Really Green
• The Girls Are Pretty
• The Downtown Area Is Home To The Worlds Biggest Electric Guitar
• There Is An Interesting Exhibit On Car Wrecks In The Paradise Museum Of Modern Art
• The Amazing Views Around Paradise City Inspired Axel Rose
• Hotels Are Fairly Cheap
• There Is A Party Every Night Of High Quality
• Street Racing Is Permitted
• Said Street Racing Happens At Very High Speeds
• It Is Always Sunny In Paradise City

When The World Ends

• It May Or Not Be With You
• The Year 2012 Is Not The Last Year
• I Am Not Going To Take The Blame
• There Will Be A Wasteland Afterward
• In The Wasteland There Will Be Wandering Martial Artists
• The End Of The World Will Be Caused By Stupidity
• Odds Are Good It Will Have Been Easily Preventable
• Most Of Us Will Be Having Sex, Having Been Given At Least 2 Minutes Of Warning
• Rome Will Be Burned, Fiddles Will Be Distributed, There Is A Plan Already In Place For This
• Bruce Willis Will Not Save Us This Time

The Good Advice You Just Wouldn’t Take

• That Dinosaur Is Going To Fuck Your Ass If You Start Shit
• Just Ask Her The Fuck Out Already
• Dump Her, She Is Making Your Life Hell Dude
• I Don’t Think You Should Outrace That Train
• Skip The 21st Shot
• Enron Seems Odd, I Bet The Stock Will End Up Tanking
• Get Google Stock The Minute It’s On The Market
• Be Cool, Or Alternatively Stay In School.  But Don’t Be A Geek Who Isn’t In School
• Don’t Get The Gamecube, It Will Never Have As Many Awesome Games As The PS2
• Do A Barrel Roll!

Ways To Make It Through The Wall

• Opening A Door
• Punching A Hole In The Wall
• Breaching Charge
• Going Under The Wall Using Shovel
• Hopping Over The Wall Using Magic Pogo Stick
• Phase Shift Atomic Structure To Become Intangible, Then Simply Walk Through The Wall
• Using A Time Machine, Travel Back Before The Wall Was Built, Move Time Machine To Other Side Of Future Wall, Then Travel Back To Present
• Use A Sword To Cut A Hole In The Wall
• Stand In Front Of Wall, Exclaim That You Are Thirsty, This Will Cause The Kool-Aid Man To Burst Through The Wall To Offer You Some Refreshing Kool-Aid

Code Geass Is Like Pinky And The Brain, Except..

• They Are Not Lab Rats
• I can’t Figure Out Which One Is Insane
• The Plan May Work
• There Are Giant Robots
• People Die Quite Often
• There Is High School Drama
• There Are Magic Powers
• It’s Really Serious
• It’s An Anime
• It’s Not Really Like Pinky And The Brain At All

Movies Of 2008 I Still Need To See

• Zach And Miri Make A Porno
• Pineapple Express
• Benjamin Button
• Tokyo Gore Police
• Nick And Nora’s Infinite Playlist
• Frost/Nixon
• Valkyrie
• Forgetting Sarah Marshall
• Role Models
• Milk
• The Wrestler

Movies I Liked In 2008, That I Saw

• Tropic Thunder
• Dark Knight
• Iron Man
• Harold And Kumar 2
• Wall-E

Resolving The New Year

• I Will Drink About Once A Week
• At Some Point, I Will Get Slapped
• Before That, I Will Make An AMAZING Joke