Things I Tried To Do To Avoid Trouble

• Moving With My Auntie And Uncle In A Town Called Bell Aire
• I Didn’t Have Family There
• Doing A Barrel Roll
• Feign Death
• Vanish
• Neither Was Very Effective
• Drinking Heavily Until I Couldn’t See Trouble
• Rolling For Resistance To Trouble
• The Roll Required Was A 25, With Skills I Only Rolled A 24
• Misdirecting Shot Was Not Effective Either
• Nor Was The Beard I Grew
• Jedi Mindtricks Failed As Well
• Neither Did My Log Replacement Ninja Magic
• Trouble Could Not Be Avoided

To Do

• Get Job
• Find Purpose To Life
• Write Insightful Posts
• Get In Shape
• Get Other Shit On Track
• Find Love
• Conquer World
• Do Laundry

King Kong..

• Is A Big Fucking Monkey
• Really Fucking Big
• Has A Thing For Blonds
• Maybe A Variant On Jungle Fever?
• Goes Out Like A Punk
• Beat Up A Dinosaur
• Is A Poor Monarch
• Possibly has fleas
• Sued Nintendo Over Donkey Kong
• Is pretty good at climbing
• Is pretty bad at dodging bullets
• discovered that it was Beauty that killed The Beast

More On Space Marines

• Space Marines Are Marines Because Marines Are Cooler Than Army
• There Is No Space Army
• Space Marines Wear Armor That Weighs Over A Ton
• Their Armor Seems To Do Jack Shit Against Lasers
• Space Marines Are Bald Because Their Sheer Badassery Causes Their Hair To Get Afraid And Run Away
• Space Marines Don’t Know The Meaning Of The Following Words: Fear, Hope, Love, Timid, France, Noun, Verb, Conjugate
• Space Marines Still Feel Fear And Hope, They Just Have Very Poor Education On The Fundamentals Of Language In Space
• Space Marines Are Trained To Kill Over 5,000 Different Types Of Potentially Hostile Forms Of Life In Over 600 Ways
• Space Marines Also Have Extensive Training In Killing The Undead, The Never Living, Robots, Beings From Higher Dimensions, Gods, Demons, Planets, Suns, Black Holes, Rocks, Moods, Colors, Trends, Memes, Concepts
• Many Of The Previously Listed Items Are Killed By Very Intense Thinking Or Not Thinking
• Space Marines Once Saved Colonly 07215 From A Deadly Joke By Telling The Joke To Themselves So Many Times Without Dying That The Joke Became Stale
• Space Marines Can Kill Pirates, Ninjas, Pirate-Ninjas, Lumber Jacks, Space Ninjas, Space Pirates, Batman, Superman And Everything Else Out There
• The Only Thing That Can Beat A Space Marine Is Double The Number Of Space Marines
• Space Marines Are An Unstoppable Force
• When Space Marines Defend, They Are Considered Immovable Object
• Space Marines Never Fight Other Space Marines Any More
• There Was A Fight Between Two Space Marines Once, It Destroyed Reality And The Two Space Marines Had To Recreate It And Mend Fences
• Space Marines Are Terrible Dancers
• Space Marines Are Always Angry Because They Are Incapable Of Achieving Orgasm

Space Marines Are Bald : A Musical

• Fenix Stoic Is A Bald Space Marine Living In Space
• He Shoots Aliens That Are Evil
• He Has Got Attitude
• He Is A Bad Enough Dude To Save The Universe
• But Can He Express His Feelings Of Love Via Song And Dance?

Gears Of War 2 Is Amazing

• Guns That Have Chainsaws On Them
• The Main Character Is Voiced By Bender
• You Can Shove A Grenade Up A Monster’s Ass
• A Dude Chainsaws A Tank In Half
• Shields Are Very Handy
• The Weapons Are Seemingly Balanced With Both Good And Bad Traits On Every Weapon
• There Is Still A Gun That Rains Down Laser Death From Above
• There Is Some Sort Of Plot This Time

Alternate Ways For The World To End

• Everyone Farts At The Same Time While Lighting A Lighter, The Methane Release And Subsequent Explosion Would Trigger Other Explosions Wiping Humanity From The Earth
• Pirate Uprising Occurs Causing The Seas To Be Unsafe For Travel, Then The Pirates Start Using Cars
• Robots Take Over The World Peacefully And Nonviolent And Try To Usher In A Golden Age Of Man, Man Hates Being Told What To Do And Destroys The World, Blames Skynet
• A Meteor Hits The Moon, Which Then Bounces Into Earth, Which Then Gets Knocked Into The Sun
• The Mayan Calender Was Mostly Right, It’s Just They Were off By 6 Years, 2018 Turns Out To Be a Shitty Year
• God Is Real, Catholics Were Right, Rapture Occurs, Just As Likely As Anything Else On Here
• The Sun Dies Eventually Consuming The Earth Before Possibly Becoming A Black Hole
• East vs. West Cold War Divides The World In Half With Giant Laser, World Can’t Last As 2 Halves Floating In Space
• Scientists Explode VERY Large Bombs In Earths Core, To See What Happens… SPOILER: EVERYONE DIES
• Ghostbusters Cross The Streams
• Orgone Energy Rediscovered, Giant Orgy To Power The Planet Works, Then Powerplant Explodes Due To Too Much Sex
• Elder Gods Return, Smite Life
• Ragnarok
• American Idol Introduces A Survival Of The Fittest Aspect Where Losers Are Shot, Also Everyone Is Forced To Be On American Idol, The Winner/Last Man On Earth Sings An Amazing, Yet Sad Song That No One Else Hears

Reasons I Want To Visit Paradise City

• The Grass Is Really Green
• The Girls Are Pretty
• The Downtown Area Is Home To The Worlds Biggest Electric Guitar
• There Is An Interesting Exhibit On Car Wrecks In The Paradise Museum Of Modern Art
• The Amazing Views Around Paradise City Inspired Axel Rose
• Hotels Are Fairly Cheap
• There Is A Party Every Night Of High Quality
• Street Racing Is Permitted
• Said Street Racing Happens At Very High Speeds
• It Is Always Sunny In Paradise City

When The World Ends

• It May Or Not Be With You
• The Year 2012 Is Not The Last Year
• I Am Not Going To Take The Blame
• There Will Be A Wasteland Afterward
• In The Wasteland There Will Be Wandering Martial Artists
• The End Of The World Will Be Caused By Stupidity
• Odds Are Good It Will Have Been Easily Preventable
• Most Of Us Will Be Having Sex, Having Been Given At Least 2 Minutes Of Warning
• Rome Will Be Burned, Fiddles Will Be Distributed, There Is A Plan Already In Place For This
• Bruce Willis Will Not Save Us This Time

The Good Advice You Just Wouldn’t Take

• That Dinosaur Is Going To Fuck Your Ass If You Start Shit
• Just Ask Her The Fuck Out Already
• Dump Her, She Is Making Your Life Hell Dude
• I Don’t Think You Should Outrace That Train
• Skip The 21st Shot
• Enron Seems Odd, I Bet The Stock Will End Up Tanking
• Get Google Stock The Minute It’s On The Market
• Be Cool, Or Alternatively Stay In School.  But Don’t Be A Geek Who Isn’t In School
• Don’t Get The Gamecube, It Will Never Have As Many Awesome Games As The PS2
• Do A Barrel Roll!